Of Creatures Great and Small
by vacant houses
Summary: One shot. 2012 cartoon. On her first trip to the lair, April meets Spike. Awkward questions and confusion ensue. Television has a lot to answer for and children that are raised in the sewers are bound to have some strange ideas about the way the world works. Circular logic is circular and teenagers will be teenagers.


TMNT is not mine.

Because I've been watching the new season and Raph having a pet turtle was total win.

* * *

The moment April's foot crossed the threshold of the lair; Donatello dragged her down to his lab. He excitedly pointed out his many projects and experiments and April couldn't help but be amazed. It was incredible what he'd managed to accumulate down here and he had to be exceptionally clever. Most of her amazement however stemmed from the fact he just. Kept. Talking.

"This here is _–static-_ and it's really cool and it can _–static-_

"And this is a _–static-_ and it can _–static-_and _–static-_

"-One time Michelangelo used it to clean his shell and the next time he took a shower, the fumes peeled all the paint in the bathroom and I'm really, really unsure how he still has a shell-"

"_–static-_"

_"–static-_"

Yeah. It went on, don't get her wrong, she liked her new friends but it was a little overwhelming. When she finally managed to escape from Donatello's lab ('Don? Can you show me round the rest of your home?'), April was immediately pounced on by Leonardo and Michelangelo.

Leonardo was an addict for some TV sci-fi show, which wasn't so bad because it was _normal_. Except he and Mikey really, really got into it. Watching them act out the scenes was…painful. Hilarious but painful.

So Michelangelo dragged April away to show her his comic book collection. Which was…colourful. And blinding. And enormous. And uh yeah, really, really colourful.

But mostly blinding.

When she finally stumbled away from that part of the lair, April half expected Raphael to materialise beside her, demanding her attention. She waited for it with resignation, given what she'd seen of him, he'd probably appear beside her without warning just to freak her out.

Except he didn't.

April was a teenage girl who had just been showered with male attention the whole day. When Raphael didn't show up, it…irked her. So she asked Michelangelo where he was.

"Raph? Oh, he's probably talking to Spike."

"Spike?" she asked carefully. "Is that another turtle?"

"Yeah, the two of them are probably by the weights," Mikey pointed across the main room then skipped over to the couch and rejoined Leo.

April approached with trepidation. She glanced round the wall and caught sight of Raphael's shell but couldn't see anyone else.

"-twisted its arm off and _then_ I stuck it in the door," Raphael said. "You should have seen it, Spike; it was such a sweet move."

April coughed nervously. "Hey Raphael," she said, "Um, who are you talking to?"

The turtle pushed himself up and away from the table and she caught sight of a turtle, a small, _real_ turtle munching on some lettuce. "Hey April," he said, gesturing to the turtle, "This is Spike."

April raised an eyebrow as she took in the situation. "You have a pet turtle," she said hesitantly.

"Uh, yeah," Raphael stared back defensively, picking up on her scepticism. "What's wrong with that?"

The girl shrugged and rubbed the back of her neck but pressed on anyway. "You don't find that a bit weird?"

"No," the turtle answered simply. "Why, there a reason I should?"

April gave a nervous laugh. "It's just, well, you're a turtle. And you're keeping a turtle as pet."

Raphael awarded her a you-sound-like-moron stare. Great. Good going on making an impression on her new friend. "Yes," Raphael said with exaggerated patience, "I think we've successfully established the situation already. What. Is. The. Problem?"

"Sorry," April said with a cringe, "It's just I find that strange, because, well, humans don't do that."

"You don't?" Raphael frowned at her.

"No," she affirmed with a rush, "No, we don't. Actually, some people keep monkeys as pets and humans evolved from monkeys so it's sorta the same thing but it isn't really all that common. But, um, no. Humans don't keep humans."

"April, I'm pretty sure you'll find that humans do," the turtle assured her confidently.

She laughed quietly at his naivety and shook her head. "We don't."

"Uh yeah," Raphael said matter of fact. "It happens all the time; I've seen it on TV. Adult humans keep the kids as pets."

April shot him a pitying look. "No, those are their children! They keep dogs, cats, hamsters, horses as pets."

"And their children," Raphael insisted dismissively. "How is a baby human not a pet? The adult human has to take care of them, feed them, clean them, toilet train them and give them a place to sleep. You are totally a pet."

The girl gaped at him, hurt as memories of her father rose up. She meant so much more to her father than that! "Well, what about you?" she blustered angrily.

"_Of course_ I'm a pet, April," Raphael said, rolling his eyes. "Master Splinter bought us from a pet store. I am well aware of that."

April didn't know who Master Splinter was and was unsure how exactly a giant turtle managed to buy other turtles from a pet store but decided to pursue it later. "But aren't you family?"

"Yes," the turtle accepted that with the slight puzzlement of one who didn't understand the point that was being made. "We're that too. Look, is there something wrong with you? Have you never watched TV?"

"_WHAT?_" April demanded incredulously.

"Haven't you seen all those shows where the dogs and cats are…beloved," he spat the word reluctantly, "Family members? Humans have mixed families all the time, you normally don't see a family without some sort of pet- oh wait, have you never seen a same species family?"

At some point, their conversation had been completely derailed. April couldn't tell when. "I-"

Raphael sighed. "I know humans can have a lot of prejudices but really, there is nothing wrong with a family which is all the same species. But even if you were worried about that, we're a mixed family here."

Wait, what? Was he getting racism mixed up with…specism? In reverse? Was specism even a word? Just what had the turtles been learning from watching TV? April was already getting a headache from imagining all the misconceptions she would need to correct.

It was around that time when April met Splinter.

Raphael stared at the screaming human. "I thought you would be happy to discover we're a mixed family," he groused before turning back to Spike.

Humans were _weird_.


End file.
